I hate myself. I hate myself because i’m not smart enough. I have never been good when it comes to school and I never will be, because I can’t get myself to focus in school and I can’t get myself to concentrate on studying and do my homeworks, I just can’t. I don’t know why I can’t. I’m starting to get these depressed feelings I had in the end of the 9th grade.. (I’m in 10th grade now). And the reason I get these depressed feelings is because I get so stressed and then I get anxiety. First I feel stressed everytime we get an test and then the anxiety comes because I might fail on the test just because I couldn’t get myself to study.. And when this happens my brain shouts down and I just sit there like an idiot. I ask myself, why didn’t I chose the music school? If I did chose the music school I would do something I love everyday, but no I chosed the other school just because to make my family proud and to get an good education. But how will they be proud when I fail? And if I fail I won’t get the good education and when I don’t get the good education I won’t get a good job. It’s like an vicious circel.
I’m a dreamer. I dream everyday about being smart, pretty, skinny and travel around the world.. And maybe one day change the world somehow.
I want to disaper, not die just disaper. I don’t want to exist. This is tearing me appart mentally and it feels like I got this big hole inside of me. Just emptyness. Why can’t I get my shit together? I hate this feeling. I need some sort of help. One day i’m gonna burst out into tears, maybe tomorrow or maybe next week, I don’t when but soon in the near future.. I’m writing this just because this is how I feel and I have a problem with talking about this out loud, so it’s easier to write it down and get this out of my system.
Btw sorry for my bad grammar and the miss spellings,english isn’t my mother tongue.
on my 4th week of school like